A Little Tortoise Shell

Blistering Burnacles! Being in a state of doubt is such a bad thing! Phew! Does that take a toll on you. I find myself loosing weight and isolating myself when I go through this phase. The reason of doubt may not even be rational or even related to you. We sit biting our nails and pondering upon the yays and nays of people around us.

I find myself standing at crossroads with tons of people walking past me and I am not just worried about myself at this point. I bring in other people’s worries and make a nice juicy mess of my life. I made such a dear friend and started on a new life. I was so happy and yet in some part of my head I believed that this friendship will not last long. Guess what? Yes. That day came sooner than expected and it hit me like a ice cold bucket of water making it hard to breathe. But I know how to struggle. I kept trying to ask him the reason but he slipped away like sand. I tried moving on but his thoughts still make me sad. I realized that in that short while he had become more than a friend. I liked him. I still like him. I am in a relationship, I love my boy friend but this small part of me that still likes my friend, does not help me. I feel like I am cheating but I can’t even confess to anyone because like dominoes everything will crumble down. I know all this will pass away and I have tried moving on. It is hard but not impossible. I made a mistake but I don’t regret it.

Though I do wish that people would not take small matters to their heart. I wish that little things don’t eat away the good things that we can build. I have made other friends but I cannot not gel as well as I could with him. But it is annoying that small things like me being busy and giving them 10 minutes less of my time hurts them to such an extent that they behave childishly. To be practical is something that we need to learn. Following our heart is important but that should not cloud our own judgement.

But it may just be me. My internal struggle has forced me to hide inside my shell like a turtle and I have started keeping my conversations with people to the bare minimum. I can hear the din outside this shell. It scares me.

But when I close my eyes everything is clear as day. I know what to do. I know I am not somebody who is defined by where I am from or what others think of me. I am who I choose to be. I don’t chose to sit back and let things go the way they are going now. I am going to come out and face this with my head held high because I know I can.

Listen to : Fuckin’ Perfect by Pink

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